the Bitch in the house

I am an orphan.

But my parents are not dead.

As the ePrince goes through his developmental stages and is everyday getting closer to his adult years I do recognize some universal experiences that he and I have gone through.  As he lives them, I feel like I am viscerally remembering what it was like to be a teenager and young adult. Yet what keeps striking me, over and again in parenting the ePrince, is that we have a good relationship.  We have an honest dialogue about everything and share a lot of respect for one another.  And I love him fiercely; he is my heart.  The lilEinstein too.  I bust him and harangue him quite a bit, but I can see that we have a way of talking to one another that I do not ever want to lose. And dammit, that boy can make me laugh!

In stark contrast, thinking about my own childhood, still settles wrong with me.

Like my own kids,  I was a good kid.  As I look back on those young years of my life, I realize I’ve always been a pretty decent kid.  I didn’t drink, I didn’t do drugs, I got good grades, I worked hard.  I tried to do the right things, to be a better person, to learn something new everyday.  And to an extent, I still do (don’t mind me in traffic though).

Despite all that, in my family of origin, I was/am unlovable.

The hubby and I each have struggles from our childhoods and we are both often trying to navigate the murky waters of parenthood without a safety net.  We cannot call upon our children’s grandparents to advise us through our foibles and calamities.  When I am really stumped or frustrated about the lack of parental advisers, I get to to wondering what my life would have been like with a supportive family and caring parents like my kids have.  What kind of person would I have turned out to be?

And at times, I also feel like my kids really miss out in not having access to older people in their lives like the great ones I had who cajoled and nurtured me when I was young.  However, I don’t think my kids are really lacking from not having contact with the actual older grandparents and relatives in their lives who have not been good to us or them.  I wouldn’t want my kids to EVER feel like they are unlovable from the pathetic examples they have as grandparents, aunts, and uncles (excluding the Twinergy and his wife).

If I really am to live as nobody’s daughter, then I think it best my children should be our amazing sons.   I look to my kids and am reminded that I was a lovable child from unloving parents.  This may sound so simple, but coming out of my family-of-origin, it is a profound thing to realize that at the end of another amazing day, it is they who miss out on the great family the hubby and I have grown without them.