the Bitch in the house

…and you thought there’d only be one left boob!

[UPDATE: The breast surgeon says it might be a tiny polyp and so far so good.  He gave signs to look out for and will see me at any time I feel like I need to get in to follow-up.  That’s pretty good, I’d say.]

So the radiologist promises me that my left boob is going to be fine.  But I have to say that this has been one helluva 5 days.  After the BigC’s I never wanted to go through being awful sick again.  And I have been quite angry to even think about having more malignant growths.  I’ve been angry because I finally am getting comfortable in this new norm, this changed body, these new hormonal flushes, and the idea of having to start all over again just made me feel so damn weary and helpless.

In the end, the doc has determined that I’d be embarking into menopause were it not for the already post-menopausal state of post-cancer cooties.  And it turns out that the reason my boob is acting all weirdo – leaking and itchy – is that my hormones from the other glands are all outta wack.  The lump we feel is definitely a lump, but she says I just have lumpy boobs (just in case I might’ve had some self-confidence).  And the only cure for this besides more hormones -which I am so damn unwilling to do- is to bind my boobs.  Seriously, bind my boobs.

Over the last 5 days, I have been nervous but not over-the-top anxious.  Until yesterday.

It was the 13th anniversary of my marriage to the hubby.  The hubby has been fairly non-communicative about this whole situation which is not uncommon for the man.  He is not overly emotive, to say the least.  But he was kinda an ass about our anniversary, feeling too overwhelmed to deal with celebrating it.  I wanted some sense of normalcy and he was quietly freaking out all by himself.  And then I started to get mad, and then all fucked up about the whole thing; feeling like I had to go through it without his support. again.  After a nasty conversation on the matter I went and hid in bed with Stewart and Colbert while he went off and did something productive, I suppose.  I know I fell asleep some time during Stewart coz I missed Lewis Black (dammit) and then woke up in time to watch Colbert but cannot recall who the guest was at all.  It all hit me at about 2am this morning I was wide awake and freakin’ out.

I was freaking out about the ePrince being left motherless and crazytown-fatherless.  I was mad at the hubby for making me feel like I was on my own with this.  I was worried about the lilEinstien growing up without my good-natured sass to even out his daddy’s self-absorbed studiousness.

When I got the news that everything was going to be fine, I have to admit to being in shock.  I think I left the office in a total daze.  It took me awhile to realize I was okay and that I had freaked out for nothing.  So to all the loveys, old and new, who sent me good vibes and well-wishes,  Thanks so very much!  and one final thought on the subject…

Breast Cancer Awareness Month can suck my left titty!