the Bitch in the house

This is a really incongruent experience for me. I have always had a lot of respect for the SAHM crowd (defined for the unitiated: stay-at-home-mother), yet I knew that I could not do it. Well I was a wee wrong, because so far I like hanging out with the LittleEinstein and keeping the TeenPrince corralled. However, on days like today, when I’m thinking I should’ve read something brilliant or at least informative for some reason, I realize that I really don’t have to. I read the Sunday New York Times with very little guilt about ignoring my studies and enjoyed lots of pondering time to consider the content. But I am wondering — is that going to be enough for me? Obviously it isn’t because I’ve also been freakin out thinkin’ that I am wasting my life away with no plan of action. How can this be?

I’ve always had a back-up plan, ALWAYS. And now I’m without a clue about what to do besides take care of the fam, paint a little, read a little, write a little, play a little. I don’t watch much tv and care not for veggin’ out. I feel like I’m having a touch of the mid-life crisis right now without a life to be in the mid’ of because I never got there. Yet when the rest of the world was grappling with teenmessiness, I was trying to find food and a place to sleep with regularity. I suppose this really is the anxty nonsense people go through when coming to terms with their lives.I’ve never experienced depression, but I have to say that if I could, this would be the most depressing situation to be in: traversing through untold calamities to finally make it to THE goal in my life, only to have it all taken away. Kinda like the Patriots trying to be undefeated – the only difference between me and them is that I don’t have a multi-million dollar contract to bolster my spirits, oh – and I never even have the appearance of cheating coz it’s closely related to that whole lying thing I hate.Guess I’ll go watch the SuperBowl fireworks, it’s kinda crazy out there in the desert tonight. be safe, be strong.