I am an orphan.
But my parents are not dead.
As the ePrince goes through his developmental stages and is everyday getting closer to his adult years I do recognize some universal experiences that he and I have gone through. As he lives them, I feel like I am viscerally remembering what it was like to be a teenager and young adult. Yet what keeps striking me, over and again in parenting the ePrince, is that we have a good relationship. We have an honest dialogue about everything and share a lot of respect for one another. And I love him fiercely; he is my heart. The lilEinstein too. I bust him and harangue him quite a bit, but I can see that we have a way of talking to one another that I do not ever want to lose. And dammit, that boy can make me laugh!
In stark contrast, thinking about my own childhood, still settles wrong with me.
Like my own kids, I was a good kid. As I look back on those young years of my life, I realize I’ve always been a pretty decent kid. I didn’t drink, I didn’t do drugs, I got good grades, I worked hard. I tried to do the right things, to be a better person, to learn something new everyday. And to an extent, I still do (don’t mind me in traffic though).
Despite all that, in my family of origin, I was/am unlovable.
The hubby and I each have struggles from our childhoods and we are both often trying to navigate the murky waters of parenthood without a safety net. We cannot call upon our children’s grandparents to advise us through our foibles and calamities. When I am really stumped or frustrated about the lack of parental advisers, I get to to wondering what my life would have been like with a supportive family and caring parents like my kids have. What kind of person would I have turned out to be?
And at times, I also feel like my kids really miss out in not having access to older people in their lives like the great ones I had who cajoled and nurtured me when I was young. However, I don’t think my kids are really lacking from not having contact with the actual older grandparents and relatives in their lives who have not been good to us or them. I wouldn’t want my kids to EVER feel like they are unlovable from the pathetic examples they have as grandparents, aunts, and uncles (excluding the Twinergy and his wife).
If I really am to live as nobody’s daughter, then I think it best my children should be our amazing sons. I look to my kids and am reminded that I was a lovable child from unloving parents. This may sound so simple, but coming out of my family-of-origin, it is a profound thing to realize that at the end of another amazing day, it is they who miss out on the great family the hubby and I have grown without them.