the Bitch in the house

What I will say is that I have a really great community. The one I was born into has not been much to me. However, the loveys I have chosen to be in my community, they are pretty freakin’ awesome! And here is how I know that my community is so great, my loveys brought me said opportunities, they nurtured my worry over accepting the responsibilities for pursuing those opportunities, and – in difference to my bio-family – they just seem wholly convinced of my ability to excel. It has been really nice to remember that feeling of being good at something, y’know besides cleaning vomit and snot. This experience reminds me of the great things that I am really good at doing. Ever since graduate school, there has been a cutting down of the bitchin’mama. Truthfully I let some of it happen to me because I just didn’t have the wherewithal to fight against the tide of negativity. Maybe that’s the nature of the beast in graduate school – to have someone you think is in your corner beat you down so that you don’t get a big ego or something. Who knows? However, whatever happened to me at graduate school, I do consider that time as the beginning of the end of my rising star.  And lest we forget that the timing of my actually attaining that hard-won graduate degree also coincided with moving to this gawdawful hotcity of ignorance – so that informs my impression of the experiences about that time.  But my life isn’t over.

I haven’t been sitting on my laurels wasting (waisting?!) away all of these years. But the work I have been doing has seemed invisible. After all, I do not get a fabulously large paycheck for the endeavors I’ve been whiling away with. I do not have a clamoring professional life balanced against my family life doing fantastically wonderful things. I’ve just been plugging away, doing what I do and trying to do it to the best of my ability. I have been unwilling to work soulless jobs – and fortunate enough to be able to make that personal choice. Nevertheless I began to feel like I was wasting my time. And some of my oldest – longest loveys began to think this too. There has been, of late, a recent paradigm shift in the this faction of lovey’s unflinching support for my “hiding out.” Some people thought I was too damn smart, had pulled myself too far away from my trashy origins to be stuck at home chasing children rather than changing the world; and recently, they became quite vocal in saying so.

But the really great thing about this opportunity is that it forced me to revamp my résumé. In the revamping stage I needed to take stock of all that I’ve been doing for the last decade.  And dammit, I’ve been doing a lot.  The other thing I needed to do was enlist the aid of friends and loveys to recommend me for the opportunity.  And this is the activity that I strongly urge anyone who is not feeling so jazzed about their situation to do, ask your loveys for letters of recommendations about you.  What I learned about myself was so great, and what people said to me and about me was also such a fabulous reminder of all the things I’ve actually accomplished of late.  The things I read about myself made me start to see me as reflected in the ideology and opinions of the people around me.  

Maybe this opportunity won’t be the gig for me.  But just sticking my neck out there, trying to see what I can get and showing what I can do has really reminded me of what kind of strength and power I really have.  So we shall see what the universe has in store for me…